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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Hiiiiii!

So… Yeah. I’m back! (Sort of.)

The break lasted a while, didn’t it? And it wasn’t just a break from blogging, actually; I think I’ve retired from the fast-paced life in general. I do think it was bound to happen. I mean, I had so many things going for me, and then bam! Full stop. I suddenly had a lot of time in my hands. Time to ask a lot of questions. What have I been doing all this time? Did I even want to do them?

What, exactly, do I want?

It was like… I’d acquired so many chips on my table, after twenty years of growing up and working hard and learning, and when I finally had the time to stop and examine all of them, I got overwhelmed. (And pressured, and exhausted, and conflicted, and the list goes on…) And my knee-jerk reaction was to just shove everything off the table. I’m tired! I don’t care! I don’t give a flying fuck what anybody else says! I didn’t want to think and feel anything anymore. I just wanted to step back and breathe.

So I did.

Have you ever tried that? Just letting go and stepping back and breathing? If you have the luxury of time, do it. It’s very therapeutic. I highly recommend it. Everyone deserves a timeout.

But of course, (predictably,) you can only “step back and breathe” for so long. Eventually, floating untethered to life ceases to be comfortable and begins to morph into days of waking up feeling lost and useless. Reality starts creeping into the quiet moments, trying to catch your attention, bothering you to do something. Wake up. Move. Get off your ass. Take a step forward. And another…

There. See the chips strewn on the floor? Remember? They’re all yours. And you’re lucky to have them, you idiot. Gather them together. Check each and every piece. And figure out which ones you want to place back on your table.

I’m at that point now — picking up the pieces. And truth be told, I’ve never been so utterly confused and painfully unsure in my life. A million questions, zero certain answers. It’s slow going. It’s horribly depressing. But yes, I am getting there. And this is one chip I’m placing back on the table now: Blogging.

I already said before that I know I don’t need to do this anymore, but maybe I want to again, you know? For entirely different reasons from when I started. I guess I’ve already reached that “better place” I’ve been talking about in my previous goodbye post, enough to be able to focus not on my anxiety, but on how blogging has always pushed me to be creative. Because to be honest, my confidence about the quality of my work (my writing, specifically) has been dwindling, and that has everything to do with writing so much everyday but having zero readers aside from myself. Not that I’m seeking the praise of others, no. I guess it’s just getting a little lonely. And the idea of making that minuscle leap of faith to post my shit on the Internet again is finally sitting well on my stomach, so yeah. I want my creativity back.

Which is why I’m back.

Of course, this time around, I know it’s unwise to continue pretending I don’t have an audience, and I’m gonna have to take that as a permanent filter now, and a challenge. This is my small space on the very public Internet. It isn’t a place for diary-worthy confessionals or blow-by-blow updates about my mundane private life. But maybe it can be a small space for sharing small thoughts and showcasing small work to a small number of interested strangers. Right?

So yeah. I’m back! Definitely not going to be here as regularly and freely as before, and I sure as hell feel a lot different from the skinny ninny who left four months ago…but I. Am. Back. :)




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