Monday, August 13, 2012
I suppose I should talk about what’s been happening lately. Backreading to my oldest posts I got reminded that I used to post about everyday life much more openly and regularly then. Understandably so, because I had plenty of time to kill, and perhaps more stuff to talk about, compared to now.
Life has been tedious as of late. Or maybe tedious isn’t the right word… Monotonous. That’s better. Of course, different things happen everyday, but by the end of each day I feel like the same things have been happening. I go to school in the same schedule, wearing the same uniform, meeting the same people, hanging out at the same places. There’s plenty to study for, but involving the same subjects. The same hours are spent in the laboratory each week, in the same classrooms. There’s the same worrisome feeling when we work on our Research paper, and the same desperation to spend as much of our free time as possible to edit it. Weekends feel the same, too, because the same hours are spent preparing for the same heavy workload of the academic week to come.
Everything feels the same, and this monotony is tiresome; it is clawing at my patience, at my naive denial that I can manage to stay in this profession, to study these subjects and work these jobs, for the rest of my life, without getting tired of all of it.
I’m not saying my days have been dull, though. I still laugh plenty everyday; there is still a lot to smile about, to be thankful for. But when each day feels the same as the last, the same as the days have been for the past few months – it wears you down. It makes you want to grasp at straws, at anything that will give you motivation to keep going.
I need a drastic change of pace. I don’t want to keep waking up each morning knowing the coming day will be predictable. But I do know that I need not worry; drastic change, literally drastic, is coming.
Let’s look at the schedule, shall we? 18th: Clinical Lab Design proposal. 21st: Research paper defense. 23rd-25th: Pre-final exams. 28th-29th: Comprehensive “grand final” exams. If we manage to pass all these (God bless us all) we’ll be qualified for the last and most crucial leg before graduation:
Our pinning will be on September 3rd. Clinical internship starts right after, and will continue all the way til March. And I can’t wait, because this is the change I need. After all, we’ll be on duty in actual laboratories from Monday to Friday, and be at school only on Saturdays. We’ll be wearing new uniforms, too. And we’ll finally be put to the ultimate test: if the principles and skills we learned at school are enough to survive the actual laboratory set up.
But more than the excited tingle in my bones, I’m terrified.
I am a better-in-theory-than-in-practice kind of girl. I feel more at ease behind an office desk or a laptop screen than in interaction with all kinds of patients on a daily basis. My microscopy is hampered now too, with my worsening eyesight, and I’ve been getting backaches lately, no doubt due to my scoliosis. I want to be proficient, but there’s a huge chance I’m not cut out for this job.
So I’m terrified.
But yeah, that’s still a while from now; I still have to make it through these coming monotonous days. I guess I should be grateful for them instead of being impatient; I think I will miss these school days eventually. And that’s been an occurring theme to how I’ve been looking at schoolwork lately: This may be the last few times I’m going to do this, the final times I’m going to experience that. I felt just as nostalgic when I was about to graduate from high school too, but this time is different, because this time may be permanent. I don’t know if I’m going to pursue another course after this. I don’t know if I still can; I don’t think I have it in me to go through another four years (or more) of all this. So I may be looking at the end of my schooling, and I better enjoy these last few moments, shouldn’t I? Monotony or not, I’m going to miss this.
Of particular note: I’m going to miss being part of a graduating batch. Being a part of OUR batch. I’m now thankful of our teachers reshuffling us throughout our four years in college; I’ve never been friends with, and felt as one with, so many (awesome) people in any other period of my life. It’s been an absolute blast to learn with, dance with, sing with, laugh with, scream with, go wild with, all my batchmates (who are all mostly my ex-classmates or colleagues and all my genuine friends) for the past four years, and especially during our last Acquaintance Party last August 4 and Seminar 1 last August 11. It’s been a crazy, amazing ride, and nobody understands just how much we’ve been through and how proud and united we feel right now better than one other. BMLS 2013 and proud. :)
Earlier I was talking about wanting to grasp at anything that would motivate me to keep going, and I may have found one: My mom has confirmed she will be attending my pinning.
Two weeks left.
I better kick ass.